Live! With Kelly and Michael Thursday, June 13th, 2013

Announcer: It's "live with kelly and michael." Today, from the new film "man of steel," kevin costner. And star of the disney series "kicking it," leo howard. Performing their new hit "my song" matchbox twenty. Plus, jerry seinfeld signs up for co-host duty. All next on "live."

[Captioning made possible by disney-abc domestic television]

Announcer: Now here are kelly ripa and jerry seinfeld!

[Cheers and applause]

Cheers and applause]

Jerry: Wow! Cheers and applause]

Kelly: Wow. Wow!

Jerry: Wow.

Kelly: Incredible. Thursday, june 13, 2013. Filling in for michael today is none other than jerry seinfeld! Cheers and applause]

I'm not going to delude myself and think those applause for me because I've been here all week and that hasn't happened yet.

[Laughter]

Jerry: I'll tell you this, lifetime as a stand-up comic I can tell you a rainy day audience the best.

[Cheers and applause]

Kelly: The best! Why is that?

Jerry: They want to go.

Kelly: They want to go.

Jerry: They want to go.

Kelly: They made a commitment. They came out in the rain.

Jerry: They don't care, we're going, we want to be here. So we're happy to have you here.

Kelly: It's very funny because you always have very interesting insights into people getting to your show. I remember going to your stand-up act and part of it was like you guys, the hard part's over, you got here, right?

Jerry: Yeah, just getting there.

Kelly: That's part of the routine?

Jerry: The whole thing is a routine.

[Laughter]

But I mean you have your little routines. I bet you do things in an exact minute by minute thing to get ready for this in the morning.

Kelly: Exactly. And if something wrong happens, if something goes wrong, the whole thing is out the window. And it's an off kilter show.

Jerry: Right, right. Routines calm us, that's why we have them.

Kelly: You're right. I have to congratulate you, all over the newspapers today, the incredible reviews on comedians and cars getting coffee.

[Cheers and applause]

Jerry: Thank you, thank you.

Kelly: Which is jerry's web series. Such a success, you really do have the midas. You're so clever and so smart. I want to know how you get so many comedians out of their, you know a lot of them have a routine, and they're very comfortable doing their thing. But you have coaxed them into your car to go get coffee.

Jerry: Well, that's not big a thing to do. It's much harder to do this than for us to go out for a cup of coffee.

Kelly: Yes, but, but, I'm just saying, I would think that you know without -- it's kind of like this, right? You just have a conversation.

Jerry: Yeah, but comedians can't shut up.

[Laughter]

They just want someone to talk to and someone to hear what they thinking about. So it's a perfect show for comedians. I don't know if it would work for other types of performers. Necessarily.

Kelly: Like circus clowns?

Jerry: Circus clowns, flying midgets. Little people, sorry.

[Laughter]

Kelly: But, it's funny, I just love the way you perform your show, but what I love about you most is you're a really great audience.

Jerry: E I am.

Kelly: You are a great listener and a great laugher.

Jerry: I love all the people on the show, I love them. So I'm just happy to be around them, and they make me laugh. It's completely genuine. A lot of people were saying, you know, that I was laughing too much. But you know remember that from the tv series. I was always laughing on the tv series, you know? And we have to cut around it because I like comedy a lot.

Kelly: Yeah, no.

[Laughter]

And we were saying jerry has not only, I mean I think the funniest wife on the planet.

Jerry: Yes.

Kelly: Jessica seinfeld, if you have the opportunity, just listen to her talk for three minutes you'll be on the floor. And three of the funniest children I've ever met.

Jerry: Funny kids. A funny house.

[Laughter]

Kelly: So what happens, if somebody's not funny, what happens? Are they banished?

Jerry: We ask them to leave.

[Laughter]

Kelly: And you have a second dog, last time you were here you had the one dog.

Jerry: We had one dog, jose which we introduced on the show as a puppy. Now we have another little dog that hates me!

Kelly: Why?

Jerry: I don't know why! From the had anyone moment they met me just go this is not my kind of guy.

[Laughter]

Kelly: Right. What's that dog's name?

Jerry: Foxy.

Kelly: Foxy?

Jerry: Yeah. And if I walk in the room, you're me, here's foxy, I walk in the room.

[Laughter]

Are you coming in? Because if you're coming in, I'm leaving.

Kelly: No kidding?

Jerry: Yeah, that's how she is. But I'm working on this relationship. The hardest I've ever worked on a relationship is with this dog.

[Laughter]

Kelly: That's incredible. Well, you know, but she's becoming the alpha now. You have to establish yourself as the alpha. You have to remind foxy you're in charge.

Jerry: Really?

Kelly: Yes, yes. You have to show her who's boss.

Jerry: I think that's what she doesn't like about me.

[Laughter]

Kelly: Well, meanwhile, you're leaving the room because she's there, you don't want to disturb her. Now who's the beta? You're the alpha, it's your house!

Jerry: I'm going to have to write some of this down.

[Laughter]

Kelly: Who has thumbs? You win! Now what about father's day? Any plans? Will your family spoil you?

Jerry: Well what we were going to do, which I kind of spoiled the surprise, was my wife was going to get me the cronut which is the big exciting thing in new york!

Kelly: Yes! Oh my gosh!

Jerry: Have you heard of the cro nut?

Kelly: Yes -- you have not heard of the cronut?

Jerry: Oh my god. Well, it sounds like something a mechanic would say is broken on your car.

[Laughter]

Kelly: Right, the cronut.

Jerry: You're going to need a new cronut. We're going to have to order it. Theyronut is this in donut invented on spring street. A croissant textured donut with a lemonny thing -- she's writing it down.

Kelly: And a glaze filling. When I tell you it is --

Jerry: Forget it!

Kelly: This is what it is --

Jerry: Yeah.

[Laughter]

They should have just called it forget it!

Kelly: Forget it! There's a reason it's shaped like a big o, if you know what I'm saying.

[Laughter]

Cheers and applause]

Jerry: Not in the morning.

Kelly: Not in the morning? Never in the morning?

Jerry: Not that kind of talk.

[Laughter]

Kelly: Well never that kind of talk around you. Never that kind of talk. You're very clean.

Jerry: I try.

Kelly: Yes, I appreciate that about you. So, this article --

Jerry: Father's day, the cronut. It's a day, it's not a special day. Father's day is oh my god we forgot about dad again.

[Laughter]

Let's buy him a gift that shows him how little we know about him.

[Laughter]

Kelly: Yes, ok.

Jerry: That's what father's day is.

Kelly: What do you think? What have been the past father's day treats?

Jerry: I think I got a riding little vehicle. Some four-wheel vehicle my wife got for me. I don't care. Father's don't care. A good father is like an indestructable garbage can.

Kelly: Ok.

Jerry: That's what you want to be. They spray paint the house number on you, crush you, pop back out and they put more garbage in you. Cheers and applause]

It's great. That's what you want to be.

Kelly: That is all you aspire to be?

Jerry: That's what I aspire to

You tell other people about things you're interested in. You don't tell your family.

[Laughter]

Your family's attitude is, you made people, that was pretty much all we needed from you.

Kelly: Right, your work here is done.

Jerry: We're going to keep you around, and occasionally we have this one day, we'll do something.

Kelly: What chiss do we have but to keep you around? It's funny, this year, lola's birthday falls on father's day. And so, she gave mark the ultimate gift by saying, I don't really think we should celebrate father's day this year because it's my birthday.

[Laughter]

Jerry: Is she talking like that now?

Kelly: She talks like she's a valley girl from the 1980's. And a weird inflection. When she gets really upset she adds a sill babble, a vowel sound at the end of everything. Like stop-a! Why are you in my room-a?

Jerry: Because the words are not long enough to carry all the frustration, so she adds letters and sounds. That's great.

Kelly: So one day, my girlfriend was over at the house, and we started talking to each other the way our daughters speak to each other. And they were horrified, and they were like you guys sound like something is wrong with you!

[Laughter]

And you're so not even cool-a. And I'm like well, I know I'm going to take away your instagram-a!

[Laughter]

That is the, you want to neutral your child's behavior? You take away that instagram. Oh!

Jerry: We took it away.

Kelly: So did we.

Jerry: I thought we all decided that we were going to take it away.

Kelly: The behavior was like I'll do anything, please give me back instagram. How can I go a day without posting a selfy of myself with my mouth gaping? Please! Please I'll do anything! I just need insta gram back! Please, please just watch this picture of myself! Cheers and applause]

T is the weirdest thing. They're clapping because they know, they all have instagram.

[Laughter]

So, here's a funny article, made me think of you. This is dad's role in family trips. How much vacation planning do dads have, or are they responsible for? 61% of dads say that they are responsible for all or most of the travel planning in their family.

Jerry: Wow.

Kelly: Which leads me to you.

Jerry: Yes. No. M going to quote my friend louis c.k.'s joke here. He does a great joke about packing the family up in the car and putting the kids in, puts the wife in on the passenger side, walks around from the passenger side to the driver side, goes that's my vacation.

[Laughter]

Love that joke.

Kelly: Yeah, that's a good joke.

Jerry: So that's me. Whatever everybody wants.

Kelly: Whatever everybody wants.

Jerry: Yes!

Kelly: Incredible. So you and mark have complete opposite thoughts.

Jerry: Mark is whatever mark wants.

Kelly: Right. And then we are allowed to come or not if we choose to not.

Jerry: As long as there's an alpha and everybody understands it.

Kelly: We all fall in.

Jerry: It works. E pack needs to have a hierarchy. But my wife is actually talented at this. But she's really great at planning trips and things. When we were dating she planned this amazing trip we took to italy. She's very skilled. Very useful.

[Laughter]

Kelly: She's very useful.

Jerry: Very useful.

[Laughter]

Kelly: What a beautiful compliment.

[Laughter]

Jerry: Well, it's not mather's day.

Kelly: No, it's not.

[Laughter]

I have to say though, it's true, before we do anything in our house, mark and me, I'm like you better call jess and find out because I was thinking about going here or maybe there, what do you think? I'm like you better call jess because she'll have a read on that place. We don't do anything without a vet processed by jessica, which is, you know, again, she needs to write. I know she's got her other cookbook coming out, the recipes for the can't cookbook.

Jerry: This october.

Kelly: Yeah, this is a book I think she wrote for me. Specifically.

Jerry: No, for me.

Kelly: For both of us, that's nice. Now, do your kids, do your kids suffer from I'm boreditis?

Jerry: Occassionally. But I'm very allergic to that.

Jerry: You are?

Jerry: You say I'm bored and I get angry.

Kelly: Yeah.

Jerry: Yeah, just go do something then.

[Laughter]

Kelly: Right.

Jerry: This is not a show, you know what I mean? This household is not an entertainment medium for you.

Kelly: Right, exactly.

Jerry: Go in your room and play or tear something apart.

Kelly: The last time my son said to mark I'm bored, mark said, you want me to make life exciting for you?

[Laughter]

And they were cleaning out the garage and washing the cars. And now they're like I'm -- looking for something interesting to do.

[Laughter]

They're very afraid to test that fence again.

Jerry: Yeah. Like we're too parenty.

Kelly: Too parenty?

Jerry: Too parenty. You know? When we were kids, our parents they didn't even know our names.

[Laughter]

Kelly: They still don't.

Jerry: I think it's a healthy thing. I don't want to know -- here's the thing I really don't want to know about is somebody else's family.

Kelly: Right.

Jerry: You know what I mean? The decals on the back of the minivan, the row! I can't believe there's a sticker that makes me want to put a car bomb under a honda!

[Laughter]

Cheers and applause]

Because we see it's a minivan! We know there's kids in there and we don't want to know anything about it! Malamute esbians, a and a korean kid. Have a ball, you figure it out! I've got it.

[Laughter]

Look what we've got. Shut up!

Kelly: Today we're going to charge the audience money. I'm sorry. I know tickets are usually free, but not today.

[Laughter]

I feel like they're getting to see a good concert right now.

Jerry: Thank you.

Kelly: You're welcome. And I won't tell you about my kids anymore.

[Laughter]

Cheers and applause]

Kelly: And then, just to finish on a car note, just to finish on a car note, a new study says that driving a car is as stressful as skydiving, especially if you're driving with your spouse.

[Laughter]

Jerry: Well that does happen.

Kelly: Do you argue about who's going to drive? Who's not?

Jerry: No, I drive and jessica reviews.

[Laughter]

Kelly: Yeah, yeah, right, yes. I remember jessica loudly having an argument with the navigation system in the car. You remember?

Jerry: Yes.

Kelly: She was like that's not right. The navigation system is like turn left here. Do not turn left, jerry! Do not listen to the navigation system! Do you remember? It was great. I'm like oh, this is going to be a good battle royale. We've got a big show today. Kevin costner is here from "man of steel"!

[Cheers and applause]

Jerry: Superman!

Kelly: Superman! Your hero.

Jerry: Yes, I love superman.

[Cheers and applause]

Kelly: You would have made a good superman. You made like a funny, very funny superman.

Rry: I wanted to do, I did a webisode, which we made up the word, me and the guys at ogilvy, doing "seinfeld" and superman, we did a series like 10 years ago. I was superman's best friend when he was off, when he wasn't saving the world, he was off taking days off, we would hang out. It was a great idea, right?

Kelly: That's genius. You're so ahead of the curve.

Jerry: I love superman.

Kelly: Yeah, I know you do. Also, "kicking it" star leo howard is here. Cheers and applause]

Here's a kid -- here's a kid, he is my oldest son's age, and he came backstage and had a conversation with me and I thought I was talking to a 27-year-old.

Jerry: Wow.

Kelly: And you know? I always say like michael can never find his shoes? So I'm always amazed when I encounter teenagers who are like adults. So it's very, very fascinating.

Jerry: Can't wait to see what that's like.

[Laughter]

Kelly: A performance from matchbox twenty. Cheers and applause]

And later, we'll see a clip from jerry's web series "comedians in cars getting coffee."

Jerry: Starts today. Today is the premiere of the show.

Kelly: It launches today. You go to comedians and cars getting coffee.com.

Jerry: Right. At 12:00 noon.

Kelly: 12:00 noon. That's when it starts. So you're not going to want to miss it.

Jerry: But you can watch it any time.

Kelly: Coming up next, kevin costner. Stick around.